Hello, October...

It’s October. The month when green leaves turn to rich hues of red and gold and start falling from the trees, covering the ground with beautiful drifts of color. Crisp air, pumpkin spice lattes, ripe caramel apples and autumn harvest candles… The best month of my favorite season. The month of my birth. And, of course, it also happens to be breast cancer awareness month. Sigh. I certainly didn’t anticipate entering my 48th year of life like this, as a member of “the club.”

As I wrote previously, I haven’t spent a lot of time asking God why this is happening to me, instead I’m looking for what I am to learn from this whole thing. In the 3 weeks I’ve known of my diagnosis, I haven’t asked God “why me?” once. That’s true. I certainly don’t feel I’m more worthy of dodging this bullet than anyone else, but there is a question that constantly eats at me. It has actually tormented me, to be honest. My question is “why now?”

It’s not as if there is ever a good time to get cancer… But really, God? Now?

Tom and I got married when we were kids. I was 17 and he was 20. We didn’t have a clue about real life, but we were in love and sure thought we had it all figured out! We struggled. A lot. Like, food stamps struggled. Like, babies having babies struggled. (I might get more into that at some point, but not today…). We have worked really, really, really hard to grow up, survive, stay together, raise decent, compassionate, loving human beings, get our educations, and dig ourselves out of debt and other not-so-great decisions made along the way. The amazing, wonderful news is that in spite of the odds stacked against us and very low probability to succeed, by the merciful grace of God, we have more or less figured it out and we still love each other like crazy! After years of working odd jobs, waiting tables, selling cars, secretary work, cleaning houses, and nearly a decade at LexisNexis, God called me to become a nurse. And I mean He really, legitimately called me to the work I do now. Me, the girl who married at 17 with two babies by 20, who had a wild dream of one day obtaining an associate’s degree, but thinking there was no way that would ever happen… He wanted me to be a nurse. He wanted me to care for his most broken and vulnerable children… After almost 2 years of conviction and crying on my drive to my office (a job I thrived in with people I dearly loved), I resigned and went to nursing school fulltime at the age of 36 and became a professional registered nurse. I became an oncology nurse, and if I do say so myself, I was a great bedside nurse (: I loved everything about it, but it was only a few years before I moved into leadership. Fast-forward to early this year, 2019, I was given an incredible promotion and moved to a new hospital in my network with the very best team I have ever worked with and the most supportive, encouraging and empowering executive team I’ve ever known. That’s saying a whole lot, because I have worked with some remarkable people! I feel inspired and blessed every single day I go to work. Insanely thankful. Truly fulfilled. Tom and I aren’t struggling. We have 2 brand new, beautiful grandbabies, giving us a total of 6 who love us. 6 babies this grandmama adores! I’m doing honorable, sacred work. If I can successfully finish my current class, I’ll be half-way through my doctorate degree program. I have earnestly sought to follow the Lord in my career and only go where and when He has led me. I’m finally exactly where I’m supposed to be. … and I find out I have cancer?!? God!!! UGH!!!! Why now???

I have wrestled with this question for 3 weeks. Dwelling on the timing. Grieving the meaningful projects I’m working on and won’t be able to finish. Honestly, not feeling sorry for myself, but my feelings have been really hurt at God. How can He take me this far only for me to suddenly be removed from the work I love and the happy life I am so very thankful for? All of a sudden unable to continue doing the “honorable and sacred work He has called me to”… Then it hit me. Maybe I’ve been focusing on the wrong things. Maybe this isn’t necessarily about me. I mean, okay… it is about me - I’m the one with the breast cancer here, but it’s bigger than that. It’s about, once again, God showing up in my life. Showing me how very important I am to Him, and that in spite of my circumstance, He’s got this. He’s got me. In His omniscience, knowing I would be walking this road, He placed me in the very best place I could possibly be. He knew I would need the amazing people I’ve been surrounded with every day - at work, at home, my family and friends... He knew I wouldn’t be able to do this without them. He set it up perfectly. He has, is and will continue to use the people around me to be His loving arms, comforting spirit and tender voice that encourages and uplifts me, cheering me on, helping me to see beyond the obvious.

God has ordained every single step of my calling and has blessed me far beyond anything I could have ever planned or dreamed would be possible. The book of Psalms says the steps of man are established by the Lord, and also says even though my heart may have a plan, the Lord determines my steps. I’ve found this to be true in my life. Free will can get us all messed up if we’re not careful and we can choose to not follow what God has for us, but I have found that when I spend time in prayer, really seeking God and what He has for me - for my life, my family, my marriage, my career - it isn’t terribly long before my will becomes His will. The secret there is taking the time to really seek Him. How can I know Him or His voice or His will for my life if I don’t spend time with Him? There have been many circumstances in my life when I haven’t, but followed my will and my selfish desires, and it didn’t take too long to know I had made wrong decisions. Obviously, I never planned to walk this road, but now that I’m here I am praying, seeking, listening, intent on hearing God’s voice through this... spending the necessary time. Doing this helps me see that I’m not alone. He shows me the provisions in place for me before each step I take. He reassures and comforts my soul. Even when I have my very human moments and may feel anxious, deep down in my core I am at peace.

I’ve had a plaque in my office for some time that I actually turned away from my view a few weeks ago because I was so mad at God. I was just so hurt and angry and sad - it was the last thing I wanted to see! It says “do not worry about anything, but pray about everything.” Immediately after my diagnosis, seeing this just made me more mad, but it has become very real to me the past week or so. I turned it around so I would be reminded every day. It is from the scripture in Philippians that says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” As I walk further into each day, my spirit is being renewed and I am seeing God’s provision and feeling the peace that I know only He can give. Based on my experience and His track record in my life, I know this peace is not something I can ignore and if I’m smart, I’ll just go with it. So that’s what I’m doing. I’m moving into October slowly, a moment at a time, focusing on that peace that transcends, that peace that doesn’t make sense, that peace that swallows up my circumstances. I’m just gonna go with it.