Why? to What?

Have you ever had to take your own advice? You know, when you suddenly found yourself in a position that others in your life had been. The kind of situation where you were once the one looked to for answers… hope… and often had semi-insightful and comforting things to say, but where you were struggling to find answers to those same questions in your own circumstance? Yeah. Me too. It’s kinda where I am now.

I’m gonna share with you some of the things I’ve said to my patients and I’ve probably said them at least a thousand times: “It’s not your fault.” “You did nothing to deserve this.” “This is not payback from God for something wrong you did in your life.” “Cancer doesn’t discriminate.” In my heart and in my practical experience, I know all of those statements are true. I have seen way too many amazing people who lived clean, healthy and even godly lives suffer and die at young ages, and others who abused their bodies for decades with drugs and alcohol live to be 90. But suddenly here I am, grappling with the emotions, questions, grief, anger and loss of control that all of my patients and many of my friends have felt. Questioning it all. The feeling that rises to the top is “I have done something to deserve this.” There is a sense of guilt, that almost convinces me that this cancer is surely a consequence of the times in my life when I wasn’t walking with the Lord. A consequence of mistakes I’ve made. Of the times I’ve made bad decisions, screwed up and failed. I’ve sat with patients in utter despair talking to me about all of their “wrongs” in life, and I’ve reassured them over and over that they didn’t cause their disease. And I was absolutely sincere.

Now that I’m here, I realize it’s just not that simple. Not a situation where I can say “Oh, okay, great! That makes me feel SO MUCH better!” It hasn’t taken long for me to realize this is not only a physical battle, but a spiritual battle as well. I do not believe in my heart that cancer or disease or heartache is of God. We humans have made this world into something God never intended for us, because He was loving enough to give us free will when He created us. That free will was so we could authentically and genuinely choose to serve God without constraint. Unfortunately, our free will to choose has taken us to terrible places and has resulted in the brokenness we experience around us every day. I know in my heart I serve a loving, merciful, forgiving and wonderful God. A God who doesn’t punish, but loves unconditionally. I also now know and feel the power of the enemy who would love nothing more than to destroy my faith through this, fill me with fear, rob me of all joy and cause me to doubt God’s faithfulness and love for me. I refuse to let him win. When I have these moments, I pray. When my mind starts to doubt, I read. I sing my favorite hymns. I fill my mind and heart with God’s promises and truth. I look back over the many times in my life when I was in danger, but He protected me. His provisions for me have been proven time and time and time again. Undeservedly so. His track record in my life is 100%. He has always come through - how can I doubt Him now? The only real example I need to consider is Jesus. He never sinned, was blameless and pure, and suffered a grueling death on the cross at Calvary. He didn’t deserve it, but it was necessary to reconcile man to God. In the days since my diagnosis, I have shifted my thinking from “Why is this happening?” to “What is it, God, that I am to learn from this?” I absolutely know there is purpose in this journey for my life, and maybe even the lives of others. God has not caused this, but I have no doubt He has allowed it.

If you know the story of Job, he suffered immeasurable sickness and loss. Through it all, he never doubted God and continued to serve and even defend Him in the face of his persecutors. Job’s responses to his dire situation always demonstrated faith - faith while suffering the unthinkable. One of his responses that resonates with me today is from Job 23:10 - he said “but he <God> knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold.”

This journey will likely be the biggest test of my faith yet. Like Job, I pray this experience will refine me just as gold is refined by the fire. May it draw me closer to my Creator, strengthen my faith, and give me wisdom that is needed for whatever my future holds. If you are struggling with the “why” in your own circumstances, I encourage you to change your “why?” to “what?.” Doing that has shifted my focus to see God in a new way, smack-dab in the middle of my circumstance. What is He teaching me?…. What is God teaching you?