The Waiting…

Waiting is the hardest thing, isn’t it? Today, I am a week away from having a double mastectomy and port placement. I am having my breasts completely ripped from my body and a foreign metal capsule implanted into my chest with a catheter laced into the superior vena cava of my heart that will be there for at least a year. It will dump poison into my bloodstream to kill not only the cancer cells it attacks, but also my healthy, good cells that sustain my life. The good news is the cancer cells won’t be smart enough to reproduce, but the chemo isn’t smart enough to know the difference. My good cells will rebound, but it will take some doing. In one more week, my life is going to be forever changed. My physical body, forever changed… and my spirit, forever changed.

People have asked me what the hardest part of all of this has been so far. That answer (well, probably one of the answers) comes easy. The waiting. Waiting has been so incredibly difficult. For those of you who know me, I’m a “get it done now” kind of person. When I see a problem, I immediately have a plan to fix it and I mean business! In this case, however, I have had no choice, but to wait. I can’t just ”get it done" this time. I can’t fix this one. I am now 5 weeks in. I had my routine mammogram on August 23rd and received notification the morning of August 26th that something didn’t look right and they wanted me back for a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound. You can imagine my sense of urgency after getting this news, but I couldn’t be seen until September 4th. 9 days later! 9 days of worry, fearing a tumor was growing inside of me, and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. I had the diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound on September 4th and the news wasn’t great. They wanted me back for biopsy. The soonest they could get me in for that was September 9th. 5 more days of waiting, worrying, trying to stay busy, praying, willing my myself not to let my mind go to dark places. Then, on that dreaded September Monday, I had my biopsy. This time the physician and tech let me watch the monitor as they maneuvered their needles in to grab tissue from the tumor. And I saw it. I knew as soon as I saw the image on the ultrasound monitor that I had an invasive tumor. You see, I am a very curious nurse who feels like I can never know enough. I want to know all the details. When I would care for my oncology patients, including my breast cancer patients, I would ask them about their histories, their symptoms, how they found out they had cancer, and to educate myself, I often would look up MRI, CT or Ultrasound images and study them, hungry to learn, so when I saw the mass on my ultrasound monitor, I knew. Of course the tissue had to be sent off to pathology so I didn’t get the final conclusion for 3 more days, but I knew. When I did receive the official news, I was devastated. Even though I knew it was coming, I was absolutely devastated. Triple positive invasive ductal carcinoma of the breast. This means I’m super special. (: Not too many breast cancer patients get to say they are triple positive. Leave it to me! Sigh… so here we are. 5 weeks out and still a week away from surgery.

I once heard someone say “something is actually happening while you feel nothing is happening. God uses waiting to change us.” Wow. Isn’t that a punch in the gut?! While I want to whine and fret about my waiting, I’m reminded of God’s faithfulness. As I reflect on that statement today, it really does penetrate my spirit with so. much. truth. So much so that I feel guilty for feeling frustrated and impatient because of my ‘wait.” Those words are true. I have barely begun walking this road and it has already changed me. The waiting time with this new knowledge of my circumstance has opened my eyes, heart and spirit to a world of kindness, people who have blessed and loved me, a realization of who and what truly matters, a renewed sense of purpose and gratitude for the gifts of each day. For my salvation. For my family. Ugh! My precious husband and children are such blessings to me. The bitter, broken pieces pressed down deep in my heart have already started to soften a little, though I know I still have some work to do there... I realize I shouldn’t feel so frustrated, or anxious, or rushed to just get on with this and “handle it.” There is beauty in this painful time. Just as God has purpose in this journey for me, He has purpose in the waiting too. Holding onto His truths today and with each step in front of me. Savoring this sweet life one moment at a time and meditating on one of my favorite scriptures today: “but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.”

Trusting Him today with this promise. He will renew and sustain my strength. He will uphold me. I will walk through this and not grow weary.