Loosen the Grip

I am now ten days out from my first round of chemotherapy. I went into it optimistic and feeling really good. I felt well the day of chemo and the day afterwards (steroids are AMAZING!). On the second day after, however, I crashed hard. It felt like my entire body was under a vicious attack. After a few days as soon as my symptoms subsided, determined to live my normal, I went to work. That entire day was a struggle. I just couldn’t seem to shake the fatigue, couldn’t focus as usual, and that was very depressing because I love my work and it bothers me to not be on top of my game. On that same day, I found out I would not be able to finish my current class at Xavier on time because I haven’t been able to earn the required clinical hours due to my health. For various reasons, this means the earliest I can now graduate is 2023. This news was a huge blow to me. On this same day my uncle Ernest, whom I adored, was being laid to rest in Tennessee and I couldn’t be there with my family. That day I felt like my cancer was just beating me up, reminding me of all the things it was taking away from me. I cried all the way home from work that day and when I got home I cried even more and harder than I have since I was diagnosed. I just couldn’t stop. I was angry and tired and felt completely defeated.

I recently attended missions conference for my network that featured Nicole Malachowski as our keynote speaker. Nicole just might be the coolest, baddest chick I’ve ever seen. Seriously. She was an F-15 fighter pilot in the US Air Force and became the first female ever to fly as part of the Thunderbirds team. Among many other inspiring accomplishments, she also commanded a squadron of more than a hundred men. She is simply amazing. She shared her personal journey through a mysterious illness that she will battle for the rest of her life - an illness that many times has left her dependent, vulnerable and unable to function. An illness that ultimately forced an early medical retirement from the USAF. This amazing, bold, fearless, strong and inspiring woman lost her position, her career, esteem and status; the work she so deeply loved all lost to her health. I don’t believe it was an accident that I heard her that day. Nicole’s story and some of the things she said have replayed in my head a lot the past week. Though her talk was meant to inspire teamwork, it has inspired me in my health journey. Some of the lessons she shared included learning to be vulnerable, asking for help when we need it and trusting those around us. Another lesson she shared was this: when turbulence comes, loosen your grip. She talked of how we are wired to tighten the grip to gain more control through hard times, but how doing that actually leads to hazard. As I listened to her, I thought of her career, the degrees, certifications, medals and honor she had received and how it had all been taken from her in an instant. I thought of how delicate we are and how fragile life really is. I began thinking about the importance of loosening our grip not only through tough times, but on pretty much everything as it can all be gone without warning, regardless of how tightly we hold.

I would say I’ve been navigating through some turbulence recently. My natural inclination has been to clamp down, tighten up, keep up, stay on top of it all - determined to control things so I can live my normal. In just a handful of tough days I was reminded of what this cancer has taken from me. I was reminded of how serious my disease is and for maybe only the second time since diagnosis, I thought of how this cancer could take my life. That I really could lose it all… I’ve been humbly reminded of just how little control I have. These realities have punched me in the gut a few times this week and have heightened my awareness that I simply can’t control what this disease has done or may do to my body, and I can’t control what the treatment requires of me to get through it. If I truly want to not only survive, but thrive, I must be vulnerable. I must ask for help when I need it. I must trust the amazing people around me. I must loosen my grip and not hold on so tightly to my “normal.” I’ve thought back to other times in my life when I had to loosen my grip. Times with all three of my kids when they were doing things that scared me, moving away from home, taking dangerous jobs, making decisions that I didn’t agree with… times in my marriage when I just couldn’t control the circumstances that were pressing in and making things hard… I’ve had to loosen my grip plenty of times, and it all has somehow turned out okay. The Bible makes it pretty clear that our lives are temporary, only a vapor, and that, thank God, this is isn’t all there is. Life is more than the here and now, more than we can see, more than we do, more than we have, more than our “normal.” All of the “things” my cancer has taken or may take from me cannot compare to the life and eternity that awaits me. It’s okay if I let go of a few things. I’ve done it before - I can do it again. I am learning to loosen my white-knuckled grip on maintaining my normal and embrace the journey ahead of me to find all that God has for my future - both here and beyond.

“So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.” 2 Corinthians 4:18