Somewhere Between Grief and Grace
Larry is my dear friend who almost always starts our conversations by asking me “How’s your courage?” This question invariably opens up honest conversation with him about whatever is going on in my life at the time. Larry has a way of provoking independent thought, always, always pointing my eyes and heart toward Jesus. He retired a couple of years ago so I don’t get to see him or talk to him very often, but he still “shows up” in my life at times when I need it most. I hadn’t spoken to Larry in some time, but not long after my diagnosis, I opened my inbox to a message from my sweet friend asking me, “So… how’s your courage now?” No doubt, he knew my courage was wavering right about then. He went on to share the story of Peter walking on the water and in the uncomfortable and provoking way that only Larry can, he asked me why Jesus made the disciples wait for so long in the boat during the storm before He went to them. Then he talked about this “waiting on God stuff” and pondered the reasons Jesus took his time concluding the disciples grew wiser, richer, because of the waiting. Larry also reminded me that the storm was still raging when Peter got out of the boat to walk to Jesus, that Jesus did not calm the storm first. Why not??… I was compelled to reread the story and it really spoke to me. While it is true that Peter began to sink when his faith grew weak, It is clear that the reason Peter’s faith wavered was because he took his eyes off of Jesus and turned his eyes to the wind, the storm - the circumstances around him. Peter took his eyes off of Jesus, the one who was sustaining him on the water, and he began to sink. This lesson pierced my conscience when I read it. Since my surgery, my focus has become somewhat blurred, if you will. My incisions, drains, discomfort, fatigue, vulnerability and looming uncertainty have been competing for my attention and they have succeeded in gaining my focus. My eyes have been turned toward my circumstances instead of being focused on Jesus, my source of comfort, hope and peace - the one who sustains me in every situation and season of my life. Of course I’m going to be sad, worried and fearful if I allow my mind and heart to wander!
I feel like I relive the cycle of grief with each new finding or new step in my journey. Denial (or more like disbelief). Anger. Depression. Acceptance. Denial. Anger. Depression. Acceptance. It’s exhausting. I vacillate from faith to despair, courage to fear and resolve to anxiety. I have a long road ahead of me and know there’s no way I can maintain the energy and stamina I will need to win this battle if I continue existing in this vicious cycle. I’ve been through my share of trials in life and I know from experience that the times I’ve been most peaceful are when I have kept my eyes on Jesus, focused on His grace, love and provision. Even in the dark times when my situations seemed grim, He is the one who sustained me. His grace somehow always managed to find me. I know this from experience, I know this in my heart and head, yet I continue to find myself stuck somewhere between grief and grace, striving toward grace and being pulled backwards by the grief. Another precious friend reminded me last week of this amazing grace - that when I’ve lost my song, the angels sing for me, and when I cannot pray, Jesus prays my prayers. I’m so thankful for my friends who are truly being the words of Jesus, speaking truth into my life at a time I need it most…
He knows my very human heart. He knows my needs. I am intent on staying focused on Him, resting in these sweet affirmations - that as I travel this road, during times when I’m closer to grief than grace, He’s still there. He’s still got me. His grace will still find me every time.
“…let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12: 1-2
