My Upside Down

My last chemo treatment was at the end of February. My family threw a “No Mo Chemo!” party for me and we had a great time celebrating a rather healthy and successful finish to that hard phase of my treatment. I was looking so forward to taking back some control of my life and getting back into a normal routine at work and home… but things didn’t go according to plan. After I recovered from the chemo sickness that hit the week after treatment, I just wasn’t bouncing back. I felt really weak and exhausted and would sleep 12-14 hours a night. Even so, determined to regain control, I kept pushing forward. The next treatment day came. I saw my oncologist and told him I was struggling to rebound from the last chemo. I had sores in my mouth, a cough that wasn’t going away and I just wasn’t feeling well at all. Low and behold, all of my blood counts were low and I was neutropenic, which means my white blood cell count, specifically neutrophils, was too low to fight infection. My doc told me I’d need to be off of work for a few weeks. Sigh. There I was, the nasty chemo behind me, pumped to be back at work fulltime, determined to get back to normal… and all of a sudden I felt defeated again. How could this be? My counts had been good through my whole course of chemo. Why would this be happening now? I had a good cry on my drive home from the cancer center that day.

Sometimes it feels like I’ve been living a nightmare for the past 6 months, and on that day all I could think about was how much longer and how much more treatment I had in front of me. The walls were closing in on me, and losing sight of the abundant blessings I’d experienced in my fight, I became totally overwhelmed with fear, doubt, sadness, frustration and worry. The end seemed nowhere in sight.

My dad has always been keenly spiritually attuned to me. Many, many times in my life he has called me to tell me God had laid me on his heart and he knew something was wrong. Or that he couldn’t sleep because he felt like I wasn’t okay so he’d gone to the church at the break of dawn to pray for me. When he gives me these calls, he’s usually right, but not wanting to worry him, I usually suck it up and tell him I’m good and that everything is okay. I’m pretty sure he always knows better. I mean, it’s God himself telling dad things aren’t okay… My dad called me a couple of days after my appointment to tell me he couldn’t sleep because God had laid me heavily on his heart and instead of asking if I was okay, he just said “I know you’re not okay. I feel it.” I couldn’t hold back the tears. I started sobbing and said “No. I’m not okay. I feel completely defeated. This road is so, so hard and I’m so tired. This cancer has taken too much away from me and my entire life has been turned upside down.” Sigh. It was a bad moment on a really bad day and I couldn’t see much for the darkness I was dwelling in… Then I remembered a passage from a book that my cousin shared with me not long after I was diagnosed. I read it again and it was exactly what I needed to be reminded of. She sent it to me all those months ago, yet it was that day that I needed to read those words. I may feel frustrated, fearful, alone, angry, sad, defeated… but there’s power in becoming these things and I do still believe there is purpose in it for my life - for someone else’s life. God is still in it. He’s in it all - right here with me. He’s in my upside down life…

The passage is from “Wrestling with Wonder” by Marlo Schalesky.

“So who is this God who takes what we think we know and redefines it? Who is He who calls the poor rich, the hungry filled, the mighty fallen, the humble lifted high? Who is He who calls us blessed, not when life has finally reached perfection but rather when we are struggling along on the journey?
This is the God of reversals.
This is the God of upside-down blessings.
This is the God who says:

Blessed are you who are poor . . .
Blessed are you who hunger . . .
Blessed are you when you weep . . .
Blessed are you when people hate you . . .
Blessed are you when they exclude and insult you . . .
Blessed are you when you’re rejected . . .

This is the new blessedness — the reversal of all the world teaches, of all our culture says is the way things are supposed to be.

We think blessing is the arrival at the place where our troubles are gone and we are financially secure, well-fed, happy, liked, included, and spoken well of.

Blessing is being accepted on the mountaintop. But Mary shows us that through Jesus, God has changed everything. He has made the poor, hungry, weeping, hated, excluded, insulted, rejected people blessed. And he has done it by becoming poor, hungry, weeping, hated, excluded, insulted, and rejected.

Our world is turned upside down. And it is on the journey through the shadows that God calls us to sing. It is there that He becomes:
more than the one who provides, but the Bread itself;
more than the one who frees, but Freedom itself.
more than a way out of darkness, but the Light.

Blessedness isn’t a feeling or a synonym for happiness. It isn’t having our lives conform to what we’d like them to be. Instead, blessedness is being chosen for a journey through deep valleys and scratchy underbrush. It’s traveling with the one who changes everything and walks beside us in the dark.

It’s singing, knowing the reversals are coming, knowing our world is being turned upside down. It’s supposed to be that way. We’re on a journey to the mountaintop. The only question is . . . Will we sing along the way?”

Since I was quarantined by my doc, the entire world has become quarantined because of the COVID-19 virus. It is indeed a scary and uncertain time for our country, our world. Maybe you’re feeling like your life, too, has been turned upside down. This week as I’ve meditated and prayed, and have once again had a sobering reminder of what really matters, I have found some peace in thinking of my current life as my upside-down blessing - trusting that I’ve been chosen for this journey through the deep valley and scratchy underbrush, and knowing that God is walking beside me in the darkness. When we go through these uncertain, lonely, difficult and scary times, may we draw closer to Him. May He be our constant companion. Instead of feeling lonely, may we deeply feel God’s love; instead of feeling fearful, may God fill us with hope; instead of feeling anxiety, may God give us His perfect peace; Instead of feeling angry, may God overwhelm us with gratitude. Instead of feeling defeated, may God give us the victory. On this dark and rugged journey, may God be our light.

“I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life” John 8:12